let's talk about trad wives, part one

self portrait at thirty-nine weeks pregnant with my fourth baby. July 2023.

I had the honor of going onto a podcast recently to discuss “trad wives” and because the conversation was so fun I probably just spoke information that wasn’t very organized so I’m going to expound on the notes I took in preparation for this opportunity here as part of a continuation of the conversation.

Listen, I can over think and discuss a particular issue to death, but I found that this topic is massively interesting to so many of us, so here we go. I can’t promise this will be brief.

I initally broached this topic on Instagram, and then decided I wasn’t going to discuss it, and now here I am both doing a podcast about it and blogging about it. I pray I don’t regret this.

A few pieces of information that most people who know me know, but for anyone new:

I don’t identify as a feminist. My joke is that I can blame every social issue on feminism. But I love my feminist family and friends.

I was raised in progressive, leftist places. I’ve lived in Minnesota, Oregon, and New York. I am raising my family outside of St. Paul, MN.

I went to college because I felt forced to, and I guess I sort of wanted to because I wasn’t presented with another option that looked decent. “this is what happens if you don’t attend college” I was told, while an adult gestured towards a low wage worker. So no thanks. Years later as a magazine photographer, earning a low wage and crippled with student debt, I discovered that you could attend less expensive trade school for photography. I was stunned. Ultimately, I don’t regret my liberal arts degree, but I don’t worship at the altar of higher ed either. Like others much smarter and more influential than me, I think stable nuclear families are profoundly more important than college.

I was raised by a mom who was 1. an excellent homemaker 2. had to work outside of the home. She did this because she loved her career, but she was also divorced from my father so it wasn’t optional.

I always knew I wanted to stay home with my kids. It was the first desire I ever remember having.

I’m black biracial with an African-American father and white mother. I am married to a white man. Our kids look white.

I’ve been skeptical of liberalism and leftism since I was young. I historically have voted blue, but started voting mixed ballot in my early twenties. I don’t care for Trump. I identify as politically homeless. I find white progressivism annoying.

My husband and I are raising our family Roman Catholic. I’m a revert, he’s a convert from Lutheranism. I love Catholic teaching on human sexuality, marriage, and children. It feels really right to me even if NFP is difficult and challenging to practice.

Point one: there doesn’t seem to be a clear definition of what a “trad wife” is besides “traditional wife.” People seem to define it differently, the feminist think pieces I enjoy reading through a critical lens discuss trad wives as simply bad, corrupted women who are most definitely Christian nationalist racist. They for sure are being abused. Yet, despite these negative connotations they can’t seem to look away. While some trad wife content may certainly be nationalist or racist, you can be someone who espouses no political or racial content and still be guilty.

Authors of these pieces are quick to note that they aren’t anti stay-at-home-mom, but can’t seem to offer the difference between what a trad wife is verses a SAHM. Is it religion? politics? Seems like: stay at home moms who aren’t religious and Democrat are okay. This explains the multiple discussions regarding Ballerina Farm.

While I don’t identify as a trad wife, I am certain some would consider me to be: I’m religious, I enjoy having four kids, I don’t earn much income, and I love the domestic arts. I am, as some have said, problematic. My interest and background in racial justice doesn’t matter. The fact that I make both my sons and daughters help around the house doesn’t matter. Those are appropriate. What’s inappropriate is loving domesticity, having fun wearing dresses, baking bread, being pro-life, and the scandal of it all— posting photos of it.

People tell on themselves: a former gym contact once demanded of me, “I wish you talked more about race. When you share projects you do with your kids it makes me feel like a bad mom!!!” Read: get back on the highway protesting shootings and get out of your house doing homeschool morning baskets.

I’m not a feminist, but if feminism is about choices, or at least “choice feminism” is, then the decision to stay home with your children is a worthy choice. Most of the women I know who stay home did so out of their own liberty, a choice they wanted to make. I know no woman forced to leave the workplace. I know it happens. I recognize there are dangerous fundamentalist groups within our country. I just happen to see women making this choice out of the bottom of their hearts, not because some man said so. There are spaces to read those stories, this is not that because those aren’t the stories I know.

Point two: I find some content on social media to be lacking in charity and frankly mean spirited. This is one of the complaints about “trad wife content,” is that it shames moms who work outside of the home and/or feels smug. I think that’s fair. However, I generally think that type of content is 1. specifically cruel to gain engagement 2. a response to a wider culture that disrespects domestic labor and calls homemakers “just stay at home moms.”

I guess it doesn’t matter who started being uncharitable first, what matters to me now is what people of larger influence do. I don’t think a content creator with a few thousand followers is to be compared to a published author or newspaper columnist. The latter have a wider and more profound level of sway. You’re not supposed to punch down.

I think feminist writers on trad wives are generally unfair and dramatic in their critiques save for one who specifically mentions seeing the humanity in people she doesn’t agree with. The flavor of critique otherwise I think has to do with how these other folks feel when consuming trad wife content versus what the content actually is. That’s a story for another day.

More to come.