“They had loved me then, but in the light of day and in a different time I had now become a problem. I’d been a problem when I’d advocated for school choice alongside other people who didn’t like the achievement gap, or when I’d admitted to being pro life, citing the long heritage of eugenics within the abortion industrial complex. The most offensive, though, was sharing images and musings on homemaking.” — I connected w this part so much. I too have been loved in certain circles and then quickly disowned or distanced from when something I said or did or thought didn’t fit the narrative. How dare women think for themselves!
Right there w you in this analysis. I strongly belief there’s a massive undercurrent of grief in women today with absolutely nowhere for it to go. The piece I wrote that touched on this idea has been one of my most read and commented on to-date.
I’m thinking of a part in the book Hold On to Your Kids (have you read?) when the authors are talking about the concept of “cool.” How cool = a lack of vulnerability. It seems to me that this is the energy so many women are stuck in… “I don’t care about that/that’s cringe”… when the reality is that they can’t/won’t feel their true feelings. They can’t feel the vulnerability of wanting something that is unattainable (or feels that way).
I keep hearing that the west has a problem with grief, and I always place that within the context of our culture's issues with death-- but haven't considered it here in the way you have. It really gives me something to think about.
The disowning you speak of is really one of the worst issues of our time. I do believe that things are improving. Some who wrote me off a few years ago have reconnected. I just believe we all need grace at the end of the day, and in general I think we have to learn to love beyond labels.
The West has a problem w grief, etc - fascinating. I mean, hard agree. I’m mostly just speaking from my own experiences and observations but would love to hear more about that idea!
I agree that it’s THE issue of our time:( and I’m happy to hear you’ve had some reconnections. I can’t say the same really but that gives me hope.
The archetypes of angry commenters are spot on! Who else IS really over these Women vomitINg their unINtegrated trauma and rage onto everythINg and everyOne - All of the time? IN our current sociopolitical climate, it IS INcreasingly observed that many Women exhibit both misandrist AND misogynist tendencies.
It felt almost cinematic. I had this moment where I asked myself, “is this real?” I wrote about this in previous pieces, but I can usually suss out. folks’ posture towards domestic labor, which is often: “I’m too good to do laundry. This is for people who are below me.” People meaning black and brown women.
I see this with paid childcare too. There will be platitudes about childcare as infrastructure, but then when it comes down to the actual caretaking, it’s gross, drudgery, not worthy of an active mind. But yet somehow being paid to do this gross, dull, drudgery elevates it into liberation?
It’s appealing because it is human nature to desire the witnessing of life unfold! The privilege of witnessing (and who is a more involved witness than a mother, especially a mother who is home?) requires a lot of work, time, dedication and commitment.
I’m convinced a lot of people see the imagery as an assault on their character/choices/situations. It’s almost like incels hating beautiful couples. There is certainly a grief there, that rears it’s head angrily.
I also honestly just can’t imagine seeing a beautiful house and feeling anything but admiration (like I do when I see yours!) and curiosity about all of the different stories of the objects in it and the reasons the homemake chose them. The fact that these things have become political is very telling as to how much the value of family and home is under attack at this point in time.
I really love this! It’s sad to me how clear the unhappiness of many women is. They truly rage from their grief as they slowly realize that society has fed them a steady diet of lies and now it’s too late to go back. This piece is a good reminder to have compassion instead of irritation.
The hostility is telling. As a stay-at-home father and husband, I get mostly confusion and incomprehension, but I suppose that's preferable to hostility. And yes, there's greater confusion and incomprehension from the sorts of women you're talking about - "look, women shouldn't do this, but don't you men dare take it from us!" Well, at least one of us has to do the dishes...
I was recently called a trad wife, which was a wild shock for me. I left a job that was absolutely tanking my mental and physical wellbeing, while at the same time my husband got a new, better paying job. Which meant I didn’t have to scramble for a new job but rather could focus on growing my small business while being at home home with our kiddos. Somehow that means I am now a trad wife 😂.
It seems like the term is becoming a slur, and tends to be aimed at people by people who are hurting.
FWIW-- I think it takes a lot of courage to state that we'd perhaps love to leave a toxic work place (I once had to work at a very toxic magazine in my 20s and couldn't afford to quit-- I wasn't married yet), wish our husbands made more money to allow us the freedom to cut back/quit all together, and thus when were feel trapped resentment can eek out.
Hi! Love this--will look up your house. (Are you in St. Paul, Minnesota? I lived in Minneapolis for years and my husband grew up on Cedar Lake.) Once I became overtly pro-life 7 years ago at the age of 50, I pretty much lost all of my friends--as a lifelong liberal, many were exactly like the women you described. They are increasingly angry, vindictive people. I am sorry for what they're saying and doing. On another note, I am an Art Historian, do you mind sharing the citation for the Virgin and Child images at the Louvre? I had been planning on writing about the dyad in the light of antinatalism, and this would help. xoxo
I caught your St Paul reference and was also curious. I live in Wisconsin a couple miles from Stillwater. What a small world Substack is!!
And I just love your articles. Somehow the algorithm showed me this one and loved the discussion. I have been seeing a lot online about Ballerina Farms and am just fascinated by the discussion.
I haven’t been called a trad wife at least to my face but I have been leaning more into motherhood and home tending and have never been happier.
Ah, we're neighbors. I'm so glad you're here, Emily! Yes-- the conversation around Ballerina Farm is fascinating. If I do a part 4 on my series I plan to discuss what happened to her at the Times. I was fired up about it!
Oh, I LOVE Stillwater—used to go out antiquing there and eat on that restaurant by the water. Also climb on the big railway…younger days for sure. Thank you for looking for the citation—please send link for Apt. Therapy feature, too, if you have ANY time lol, as a mom and writer. xoxo
Katie I love that you walk in the beauty and confidence of who you are. You are such a gifted writer. I’m sorry this happened to you. I once heard, “Hurting people hurt people.” What is sad is that internet culture has to some degree normalized this kind of toxic content. Can you imagine someone saying something like that it real life? It’s so outrageous and abusive. I once heard on a podcast on Dante that that kind of rhetoric is debasing not only to the person speaking it but those hearing it. There should be a zero tolerance policy on those kind of comments.
When I was at my CS Lewis group in Austin last week, they talked about an organization that shares classic works with people in prisons and they said that they absolutely loved Dante! I thought that was so cool!
With sixty million abortions times two parents, that's a big part of this country, and a lot of abortion derangement syndrome.
And the party that had been going to abolish abortion as it had slavery now features a slut walker speaker at the same convention in which its nominee rapes its prolife platform.
I am inclined to agree with you. I like to believe that when we’re happy and satisfied with our lives we don’t feel the need to analyze or judge others. The social cost in certain spaces is hefty, like you’re saying. And I’d be fine with all of that but the lack of self awareness kinda bugs me.
Loved this so much! Beautiful and spot-on.
“They had loved me then, but in the light of day and in a different time I had now become a problem. I’d been a problem when I’d advocated for school choice alongside other people who didn’t like the achievement gap, or when I’d admitted to being pro life, citing the long heritage of eugenics within the abortion industrial complex. The most offensive, though, was sharing images and musings on homemaking.” — I connected w this part so much. I too have been loved in certain circles and then quickly disowned or distanced from when something I said or did or thought didn’t fit the narrative. How dare women think for themselves!
Right there w you in this analysis. I strongly belief there’s a massive undercurrent of grief in women today with absolutely nowhere for it to go. The piece I wrote that touched on this idea has been one of my most read and commented on to-date.
I’m thinking of a part in the book Hold On to Your Kids (have you read?) when the authors are talking about the concept of “cool.” How cool = a lack of vulnerability. It seems to me that this is the energy so many women are stuck in… “I don’t care about that/that’s cringe”… when the reality is that they can’t/won’t feel their true feelings. They can’t feel the vulnerability of wanting something that is unattainable (or feels that way).
I am adding that book to my list, now.
Thank you so much, Amber.
I keep hearing that the west has a problem with grief, and I always place that within the context of our culture's issues with death-- but haven't considered it here in the way you have. It really gives me something to think about.
The disowning you speak of is really one of the worst issues of our time. I do believe that things are improving. Some who wrote me off a few years ago have reconnected. I just believe we all need grace at the end of the day, and in general I think we have to learn to love beyond labels.
The West has a problem w grief, etc - fascinating. I mean, hard agree. I’m mostly just speaking from my own experiences and observations but would love to hear more about that idea!
I agree that it’s THE issue of our time:( and I’m happy to hear you’ve had some reconnections. I can’t say the same really but that gives me hope.
The archetypes of angry commenters are spot on! Who else IS really over these Women vomitINg their unINtegrated trauma and rage onto everythINg and everyOne - All of the time? IN our current sociopolitical climate, it IS INcreasingly observed that many Women exhibit both misandrist AND misogynist tendencies.
It felt almost cinematic. I had this moment where I asked myself, “is this real?” I wrote about this in previous pieces, but I can usually suss out. folks’ posture towards domestic labor, which is often: “I’m too good to do laundry. This is for people who are below me.” People meaning black and brown women.
I see this with paid childcare too. There will be platitudes about childcare as infrastructure, but then when it comes down to the actual caretaking, it’s gross, drudgery, not worthy of an active mind. But yet somehow being paid to do this gross, dull, drudgery elevates it into liberation?
It’s appealing because it is human nature to desire the witnessing of life unfold! The privilege of witnessing (and who is a more involved witness than a mother, especially a mother who is home?) requires a lot of work, time, dedication and commitment.
I’m convinced a lot of people see the imagery as an assault on their character/choices/situations. It’s almost like incels hating beautiful couples. There is certainly a grief there, that rears it’s head angrily.
I also honestly just can’t imagine seeing a beautiful house and feeling anything but admiration (like I do when I see yours!) and curiosity about all of the different stories of the objects in it and the reasons the homemake chose them. The fact that these things have become political is very telling as to how much the value of family and home is under attack at this point in time.
I really love this! It’s sad to me how clear the unhappiness of many women is. They truly rage from their grief as they slowly realize that society has fed them a steady diet of lies and now it’s too late to go back. This piece is a good reminder to have compassion instead of irritation.
The programming is really tragic! Thank you for saying my piece encourages compassion. I’m not always there, but aim to always lead with charity.
The hostility is telling. As a stay-at-home father and husband, I get mostly confusion and incomprehension, but I suppose that's preferable to hostility. And yes, there's greater confusion and incomprehension from the sorts of women you're talking about - "look, women shouldn't do this, but don't you men dare take it from us!" Well, at least one of us has to do the dishes...
It’s wild!!!
Spot on.
I was recently called a trad wife, which was a wild shock for me. I left a job that was absolutely tanking my mental and physical wellbeing, while at the same time my husband got a new, better paying job. Which meant I didn’t have to scramble for a new job but rather could focus on growing my small business while being at home home with our kiddos. Somehow that means I am now a trad wife 😂.
I'm sorry, I know that doesn't feel good.
It seems like the term is becoming a slur, and tends to be aimed at people by people who are hurting.
FWIW-- I think it takes a lot of courage to state that we'd perhaps love to leave a toxic work place (I once had to work at a very toxic magazine in my 20s and couldn't afford to quit-- I wasn't married yet), wish our husbands made more money to allow us the freedom to cut back/quit all together, and thus when were feel trapped resentment can eek out.
Hi! Love this--will look up your house. (Are you in St. Paul, Minnesota? I lived in Minneapolis for years and my husband grew up on Cedar Lake.) Once I became overtly pro-life 7 years ago at the age of 50, I pretty much lost all of my friends--as a lifelong liberal, many were exactly like the women you described. They are increasingly angry, vindictive people. I am sorry for what they're saying and doing. On another note, I am an Art Historian, do you mind sharing the citation for the Virgin and Child images at the Louvre? I had been planning on writing about the dyad in the light of antinatalism, and this would help. xoxo
I love your handle :)
We're outside of St. Paul in a place called Stillwater. We love it here!
I'm sorry that people disowned you. That must be so hurtful. I wish people allowed for more nuance and understanding around these and other issues.
I will try and find the citation for you!
I caught your St Paul reference and was also curious. I live in Wisconsin a couple miles from Stillwater. What a small world Substack is!!
And I just love your articles. Somehow the algorithm showed me this one and loved the discussion. I have been seeing a lot online about Ballerina Farms and am just fascinated by the discussion.
I haven’t been called a trad wife at least to my face but I have been leaning more into motherhood and home tending and have never been happier.
Ah, we're neighbors. I'm so glad you're here, Emily! Yes-- the conversation around Ballerina Farm is fascinating. If I do a part 4 on my series I plan to discuss what happened to her at the Times. I was fired up about it!
Oh, I LOVE Stillwater—used to go out antiquing there and eat on that restaurant by the water. Also climb on the big railway…younger days for sure. Thank you for looking for the citation—please send link for Apt. Therapy feature, too, if you have ANY time lol, as a mom and writer. xoxo
I am replying from the beach with my three year old who is chasing ducks! Here’s the piece: https://www.apartmenttherapy.com/1872-gothic-revival-victorian-home-37393608
Gorgeous!! I hope you wrote a piece on how you decorate for fall/halloween!
You are so kind, thanks Anna. Halloween is my husband’s holiday so he goes all out. We get around 500 trick-or-treaters each year.
That’s amazing! I love how Halloween is such a community holiday. One of the only things left that brings neighbors together
Write* not wrote…since it’s currently August and a million degrees 😂
Katie I love that you walk in the beauty and confidence of who you are. You are such a gifted writer. I’m sorry this happened to you. I once heard, “Hurting people hurt people.” What is sad is that internet culture has to some degree normalized this kind of toxic content. Can you imagine someone saying something like that it real life? It’s so outrageous and abusive. I once heard on a podcast on Dante that that kind of rhetoric is debasing not only to the person speaking it but those hearing it. There should be a zero tolerance policy on those kind of comments.
You always remind me that I should be reading Dante! ❤️
When I was at my CS Lewis group in Austin last week, they talked about an organization that shares classic works with people in prisons and they said that they absolutely loved Dante! I thought that was so cool!
With sixty million abortions times two parents, that's a big part of this country, and a lot of abortion derangement syndrome.
And the party that had been going to abolish abortion as it had slavery now features a slut walker speaker at the same convention in which its nominee rapes its prolife platform.
Time for an ex-slut walk.
Well, I think we share a brain. Wow. I need to chew on this gem of a comment and I'm going to respond more later. Thank you!!!
Wow, the beauty and depth of this comment! I too will be returning when my children are occupied to respond!
I am inclined to agree with you. I like to believe that when we’re happy and satisfied with our lives we don’t feel the need to analyze or judge others. The social cost in certain spaces is hefty, like you’re saying. And I’d be fine with all of that but the lack of self awareness kinda bugs me.